A few weeks ago my dear friend’s husband surprised her with a trip to Europe! I mean, what a guy, right ladies? I was so happy for her (and truthfully, a little jealous too!) We caught up when she got back she told me that another friend told her she deserved the trip. The word deserved caught my friend off guard and she wondered if she really did deserve it.
See, if anyone deserves a trip to Europe, it’s my friend. She is an amazing mom to four little ones who are almost as cute and amazing as my own four! She manages to work and stay at home and somehow does both as if they were her only job. She is a kind, compassionate, loving person, and a good friend.
But did she deserve a trip to Europe?
I am very blessed in that I have the privilege of knowing many awesome moms like her. I really have a pretty amazing tribe filled with stay at home moms, working moms, moms with 5 or more littles, moms with special needs kiddos, moms taking care of their ill parents, moms grieving miscarriages, moms with kids with constant medical battles, and the list goes on. But the thing I love most about my friends is how hard they work every day for their kids, how hard they love on their kids.
Honestly, I would love to send all these ladies on a European vacation. Heck, while I’m at it, lets make it a girls’ trip and we’ll all go! But, I don’t know if we deserve it and I think that’s because it just might not be in the cards for all of us. What I do know is-that’s not the end of the story for us, for you.
So what do we deserve?
Here’s what you do deserve. Respite. Time for Self-Care. A break from your kids, your work, your responsibilities. Time to rest and relax. Time to reconnect with your spouse or your best girlfriends. Time to spend on your own, enjoying a hobby. You deserve this because of everything you do for your kids. You deserve this so that you can return to your family refreshed, rejuvenated.
Honestly, when my kids were babies, just some time to myself was enough. It truly restored me. Just walking into a store without my 4 little drunken sailors bumping into everything and everyone, made me feel lighter and almost giddy.
Now, I can see that what I need has to be more substantial. Something that truly fills me with joy and leaves me satisfied. When I spend my free time scrolling aimlessly through social media or or watching reruns of dumb tv shows I’ve seen before, I hardly feel refreshed. It’s like being hungry and eating fast food. It tastes good at the time, but you feel terrible afterward, right? What I need now is some quality time with my sister, a dinner out with my husband, a really good book, or some time spent writing.
Mommying is hard work, it’s not for the faint of heart. You must take care of yourself so that you can be everything you need to be for your kids. If, for you, that comes in a trip to Europe, take it! Jump at the chance, go! If it doesn’t, find out what your respite will look like: A weekend at a local B&B with your husband? A night out with the girls? A solo trip to Target? Some time at the gym? Daily prayer or meditation? Some combination of these?
You deserve a break
You are the mom – you are responsible for the total well-being of tiny humans, which at times, feels completely overwhelming and out of your control. You are taking care of thousands of little details every day, mostly unseen by those around you, and most likely, you set the tone in your house. You deserve respite.
So, just because our break, our self care, may not look like a trip to Europe-that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve our respite.
Don’t neglect it ladies, don’t neglect yourselves.
My son gets teased at school and he doesn’t even care. Honestly, it’s one of the coolest things about him, but then, he’s a pretty cool kid.
At 11 years old and just starting middle school, he loves his new school and loves learning new things. He gets up without a fight while other kids hit the snooze alarm. He participates in class while other kids slump at their desks and roll their eyes. He and his buddies talk about Pokemon passionately while other kids talk about last night’s game. He wears nice jeans and a crisp dress shirt buttoned to the top button, while other kids wear gym clothes. He knows all these things make him different; he just doesn’t care.
One time, I suggested perhaps we could go out and buy him some Under Armour sweatshirts, in case he wanted to blend in a little more at school. His response, “You don’t like my clothes, Mom?” It would never occur to my son to wear gym clothes when he doesn’t like them just so he could fit in. Fit in with who? The kids who are teasing him? I realize he is absolutely right and I need to start taking my cues from him.
So, when he comes home from school and casually mentions some kids have been teasing him, he’s hardly fazed.
His attitude? So what if people call me a nerd? I am a nerd. Nerds rule the world! Why would I care if some kid I don’t even like makes fun of me for liking Pokemon? It’s not like I’m going to stop liking what I like to impress some kid who is being mean. Why would I want to impress a mean kid?
He doesn’t care that he’s being teased . . . but I do.
It makes me feel ragey and sad and out of control. I want to go down to that school and shake these kids. I want to find out who their parents are and ask them what the hell is wrong with their children.
But here’s the thing, these kids have just left the safe bubble of elementary school and have entered an entirely new world. They are at an age when they are more focused on what their friends think and concerned about fitting in. They aren’t villains; they are trying out being mean.
Here’s the other thing—I’m pretty happy with how I turned out. I am confident in who I am and I know my way around a confrontation. I doubt I would have turned out that way had my mother come to school and wagged her finger in a few kids’ faces. I wouldn’t be the person I am now had I never suffered at the words and actions of pre-teens in middle school. I learned from those experiences. They made me who I am.
Now I‘m left with anger and sadness and hurt for my son. He can shake off being teased, but as his mom I can’t. I just can’t.
My solution? I need to let myself be sad about it. I need to let myself feel all the anger and sadness and well, the unfairness of it all. I need to see that this is another step he is taking away from me, deeper and deeper into a world I have little control over.
So I did just that.
I poured my heart out to God and told Him everything. I cried. And I felt better. Giving myself permission to feel these things was just what I needed.
For now, I continue to check in with my son to make sure this is just teasing and not turning into bullying. I make sure he is still feeling like his quirky, confident self and is able to shake these moments off. And I pray. I pray God will use these negative experiences in my son’s life, work them to good, and use them to continue to mold my son into the amazing, self-assured, empathetic young man he is becoming.
originally published on Her View From Home
Last night I drank too much wine and cried for the end of my son’s childhood.
Tomorrow morning I’ll receive an email with my 11 year old’s 6th grade schedule. Not his teacher. His schedule.
All summer I’ve been listening to his voice crack and we’ve been giggling about it together.
In the past year my son grew 5 ½ inches. If he keeps up at this rate, he’ll be taller than me when he is 12.
In the spring my husband bought my son a an electric shaver because little kids on the bus were commenting on the beginnings of his mustache.
He has bursts of anger – out of character for him. Today, he thought he lost something and he got mad. He punched the couch. He threw something across the room.
All of a sudden he smells bad. Overnight, he’s gotten pimples. He’s getting stronger. I can ask him to help me up from the floor and he’s strong enough to actually help me.
And I’m sad.
It’s not just the end of elementary school. It’s not just the beginning stages of puberty. It’s all of it. All of it happening at the same time.
I remember so clearly the first day I put my son, my first born, my one and only baby to sleep in his crib for the first time. After 12 weeks sleeping in our room, my husband convinced me that he would survive the night in his own room, in his own crib. He looked so small in that big crib. I remember the first day he slept in his twin size bed. Tiny again. Then I blinked and now my son and I see nearly eye to eye.
When he talks to me about Pokemon and Minecraft, I sit and listen in awe. Not at what he’s saying, but the sound of his new lower voice, that will deepen still. I watch his new taller, longer limbs poking out of pajamas that fit him two months ago.
I look at his beautiful face, his longer, wider nose, his darker eyebrows, his dimple that I used to kiss every night, no longer just a pinpoint in a deliciously chubby cheek, now a longer line in a thinned out, grown up face. I try to remember the baby, the toddler, the child he was at the same time imagining the grown man he will become.
It makes me cry for all the time that has passed. The realization that his childhood years are gone. And I can’t ever get them back.
I know I should be grateful for all the time I still have with him, for this very moment, but right now, I just feel sad.
At this moment, my house is a mess, more than a mess really, it’s a disgrace. The dishwasher needs emptied, the breakfast dishes are piled in the sink, and the crockpot is sitting out, “soaking” with greasy soapy water. There are two loads of laundry dumped on the couch that need folding and the remains of a pretty awesome pillow fort are strewn all over the floor.
This wouldn’t be a big deal except that a friend just texted me to ask if she can stop by in a few minutes to drop some clothes off for the triplets. How can I say no? We love hand-me-downs.
A few years ago, I would have apologized profusely for the mess as I let me friend in the door. I would have explained, in detail, all the very good reasons I had for the place being a mess. You know what else I would have done? I would have apologized for the “mess” even if my house was clean. I would straighten and scrub before inviting people over and still apologize as my mom friends walked in the door.
I’m not even sure why I was apologizing.
Did I imagine other women kept their house cleaner and neater? Was I worried that they were judging my home? I think it had something to do with me trying to present myself as a person who was in control of the chaos that is my life. Then I think it just turned into a habit.
I’ve decided to stop apologizing. I think you should too.
A few years ago, I took my son over to play at a friend’s house. It was his first time there and my first time meeting the mom. They had just moved in and the mom was in the middle of painting a bedroom. There were kids running through the house jumping over toys and shooting nerf guns at each other. Painting supplies and boxes were scattered throughout the house. But there were no apologies. The mom simply stated, “I’m painting today; I’m so excited about how the room is going to turn out.” In the past two years I’ve been to their house a few times and seen it in many stages: neat as a pin as I’m dropping my son off for a birthday party, happily messy as I’m picking my son up after the party and everything in between. Not once has this mom apologized for the state of the house and why should she?
Aren’t our homes the same? Cluttered and chaotic when we put chores aside to play with our kids, when we decide we need to catch up on our latest Netflix binge, or because illness has hit our homes. Sparkling and smelling fresh after a Saturday scrub down or in preparation for a party. We live here and our space reflects that-our kids, our jobs, our busy lives.
So I’m not going to apologize anymore! I’m just going to live in my home, stop caring what others might think and break my habit of apologizing for the mess!
This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you purchase an item through a link, I will receive a small commission.
If you are potty training, you are dealing with messes-it’s unavoidable. However, after potty training 4 kiddos, I’ve learned a few tricks along the way to keep things a little cleaner and I’m happy to share them with those of you who are currently in the trenches of potty training.
1. Put A Piece of Toilet Paper In the Potty
Always put a square of toilet paper in your child’s little potty. If your little one goes number 2 on his next visit, this trick makes the mess easier to dump in the toilet. Instead of sticking to the potty, it sticks to the toilet paper and will slide out much easier.
2. Choose a Simple Potty Chair
There are so many potties to choose from. The mistake I made while potty training my first was picking a potty that had lots of parts! My son wanted to be the one to dump his little potty in the big potty and it was so difficult for him to take the potty apart which resulted in a few epic spills. Plus, all the parts just meant more pieces for me to wipe down each time he went. By the time my triplets were ready to potty train, we picked a simple potty chair. A simpler design made it easier for my girls to dump the potty on their own and saved me a lot of cleaning time.
3. Move to the Big Potty as Soon as They are Ready
If your child is open to sitting on the big potty, let them! This eliminates a lot of steps in potty training which also means less things to clean! There are lots of options for potty inserts so the kiddos don’t fall in! You might want to start out with a cushioned seat with handles on the side. But once your kiddos are comfortable, I would recommend replacing your toilet seat with something like this. These seats are easy to use and easy to clean! You don’t have the hassle of taking out the potty insert and wiping it down every time your child goes and there are no drips on the floor because you don’t have to take the seat out!
4. Use Foaming Hand Soap
Little kids and hand soap equals a big mess! Even my big kids use way too much soap when washing their hands, leaving bubbles and soap scum all over the sink. One pump of a foaming hand soapdelivers just the right amount for little hands and will keep your sink cleaner.
5. Be Prepared with Cleaning Wipes
Buy a ton of cleaning wipes! These are perfect for quick cleanups in between your regular bathroom clean. And believe me, you’re going to need to do some spot cleaning!
The 4 Products You Need for Keeping Your Bathroom Clean When Potty Training
Here are the products I love:
NextStep Toilet Seat with Built-in Child Potty Training Seat
Hands down, this potty seat is my favorite thing for keeping the bathroom clean. If your child is open to sitting on the big potty, I can’t recommend this enough!
BabyBjorn Potty Chair
If you start out with a potty chair, this one is the tops!
Foaming Hand Soap
Foaming soap keeps your sink cleaner!
Bathroom Cleaning Wipes
Essential for quick clean ups!
What are your best tips for keeping the bathroom clean when potty training?
I’m sure you’ve seen a bunch of posts and articles explaining how important it is to teach kids responsibility by having them participate in household chores. This isn’t one of those posts. Even though I absolutely agree it’s important to teach kids responsibility and impart a good work ethic and all that stuff, I’ll let more qualified individuals advise you on that. I’m not here to talk about responsibility, I’m here to share with you the real reasons I make my kids do chores.
1. I’m Tired Of Doing All Chores
Honestly? I’m just tired of it. All these years of doing dishes, laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting (hahaha just kidding on that one) sweeping and mopping for a family of 6 just kind of got old. Then one day it hit me, “This is bullsnap! These kids are big enough to help!” I don’t know if that aha moment came to me after I saw the classroom list of jobs my triplets happily participated in 1st grade or when my 5th grade son built an incredibly complex Lego structure with moving parts. Either way I figured, if they can do that stuff, they can certainly empty the dishwasher!
2. I Don’t Want Their Spouses to Hate Me
My kids are still in elementary school, but sometimes I walk around my house, stepping over minefields of Legos and Littlest Pet Shop pets and I think, “If I can’t get them to start picking up after themselves what are their spouses going to think of them? What will their spouses think of me? Will they be annoyed that I never taught my kids to actually pick their wet towel up off the floor and hang it up on a hook? Will they be beyond annoyed at me, angry even? Will they let me see my grandchildren?” Ok, maybe I’m getting a little carried away here, but I really don’t want to send them out into the world thinking that it’s okay to be a slob and have other people pick up after you.
3. I Want Them to Make a Connection
You know, the -if I drop a piece of food on the floor it will stay there forever unless someone picks it up-connection. I don’t think they’ve made that connection quite yet. When my kids drop food on the floor, they make no motion to pick it up. I’m pretty sure they think a magical cleaning fairy comes in at night and takes care of all that. Worse yet, they know that I’ll pick it up so they don’t have to. Well not any more kiddos! Grab that broom and get to sweeping! Mama’s off the clock!
So I set up a cleaning schedule for my kiddos. They each have a daily chore to do during the week, and a bigger chore that they do on Saturdays. It’s been heavenly. Sometimes I actually sit on the couch and direct them around. “You there! Empty the cat litter! And you, other triplet! Wipe the table!” At first I felt a little guilty but then I remembered all those parenting articles written by real grown ups who told me this was a good thing for my kids because, you know, responsibility and stuff!
What about you? Do you make your kids do chores?
I always wanted to be a mom, I loved being around children, and I babysat a ton when I was in high school. So, when I had my first child I thought I was well prepared and the transition would be smooth. To put it simply, it was not. It was hard; it still is hard. But you know what got me through those first clueless and sleepless months and continues to carry me? You guessed it, an amazing group of friends, my mom tribe.
Ladies, we need other mommies who get us, women who we can commiserate with, get advice from, share a laugh with. I am fortunate to have a great tribe of moms in my life. If you are still looking for yours, here are my three tips for finding your crew.
I remember very clearly the day a friend confided in me that she struggled with anxiety, something that I also struggle with. I was blown away that this seemingly perfect mom was dealing with something so difficult and something that I knew about first hand. It deepened our friendship and helped me let go of what felt like a giant secret that I needed to keep. This experience taught me that to truly take my relationships to the next level, beyond surface friendships, I needed to be honest and authentic.
Be yourself. If your house is always a mess, don’t pretend like it’s usually clean. If you always run late, don’t act like this is the only time you’ve shown up ½ hour after playdate started. If you feed your kids processed food, don’t pretend that those fruit snacks are organic. If you don’t feel like you have your act together, don’t act like you do. Because here’s the thing, none of us do. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, there are no perfect moms. We all struggle, none of us have our act together even if we look like we do. Share your imperfections, your struggles, your suffering-that’s what makes you who you are.
Put Yourself Out There
If you wanna find your mom tribe, you gotta put yourself out there. I won’t lie here, this is hard for me and I’ve failed at this over the years. I tried to join a playgroup when my triplets were about 2 and I was told there was no room in the group. I was devastated because the group was made up of a bunch of moms I thought I could really get along with. Luckily for me, these moms started inviting me to things and we did get to be friends. This taught me that I can’t passively sit back and wait for cool moms to show up in my life.
Putting yourself out there means physically going out, or inviting people over. So log off of the interweb and get out there. (Wait, finish reading this first and then you’ll probably want to share it or pin it of course, then you can get off the interweb!) Join a local moms club, start chatting with the other moms at work, or join a mommy and me class. If you are digging any of those moms, ask them out on a playdate! This is super difficult and can be awkward, but it’s a necessary step to finding your mom tribe.
When You Find Your Mom Tribe – Keep It Going
This part can be difficult especially as kids get older. When my littles were tiny and not in school, I set the schedule, chose where we went, and who we hung out with. Mostly, we hit the park with my amazing friends and their adorable littles. Now that my kids are older, their school and extracurricular activities set the schedule, determine where we go, and who we hang out with. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy the moms in the karate, dance, and gymnastics waiting rooms because I do. But I will say it takes time out of my life, making it more difficult to get together with the original crew.
It can be very easy to let this new life with new people take over, but once you find your mom tribe, the ones that you really get you, the ones that you can really be yourself around, you need to hold on to them. Invest time in those relationships. Because when you need a shoulder to cry on, it might be a little awkward if the shoulder you choose is some random stranger sitting on a bench outside of dance class.
So what about you? Have you found your tribe yet? Or, are you still looking?
First of all, before I start my tirade, I do want to thank you for bagging my groceries. Not many stores have a designated bagger so that’s nice. I also think it’s great that you are working after school instead of staying home and taking drugs and making out with girls or whatever the kids are doing these days. So, good for you! But I do have a few tips for you and I hope you don’t mind if I share them:
Stop Making the Bags So Freakin’ Heavy
You are obviously very gifted in the spacial intelligence category. I can tell that you are a genius at tetris just by looking at the incredible amount of items you are able to fit into my grocery bag. I mean I would have stopped at two cartons of juice, but you were somehow able to also fit eight boxes of mac and cheese, 2 pounds of butter, a bunch of bananas and a pineapple. It’s like you’ve somehow magically changed my reusable bag into a Mary Poppins carpet bag!
When you pick up the bag to add it to my cart, I can see that you have no trouble at all, what with all that fresh testosterone coursing through your veins, but honey, I’m nearly over the hill, pushing a cart full of kids, so please just stop. I cannot lift this ridiculously heavy bag! Just because you can fit all the things in one bag, doesn’t mean you should.
Don’t Give My Kids Stickers
Honestly I feel bad even suggesting this because it’s such a nice gesture on your part. But I have to be frank here. In the big wide world of stickers, yours are the worst. They barely stick and they feature cartoon animals that no one can really recognize. Like, is this green thing with a beak supposed to be a duck or a platypus? Plus, it only just adds to the time I’m trapped in this store with my adorable little monsters. Then, once you finally find the stickers and pull off four unidentifiable creatures, my kids inevitably fight over who gets the pink elephanty hippo-ish looking animal, which in turn causes added referee work for me.
Don’t Accuse Me of Stealing
Yes, it’s true that I snagged my gallons of milk off the conveyor belt before you were able to slap some paid stickers on them and I’m sorry if I overstepped the bagger boundary, but do you really think I stole them? When you pointed to the gallons in my cart, I was a little worried that you were going to remove them and place both in a bag along with an anvil, but then you so politely clarified by telling me that you just wanted to make sure the cashier rung them up. Seriously, dude? I know people steal; but I’m still insulted that you are in fact, accusing me of stealing to my very face. Maybe next time you think someone is stealing, you can ask the cashier in a more discreet manner.
So, there are some tips for you! Other than these very minor improvements, I think you are well on your way to being an excellent grocery store bagger, or perhaps an expert trunk packer/weight lifter.
The middle age woman who literally could not lift most of her bags and had to unpack them to put them in her minivan and who definitely does not steal milk from grocery store.
I am mom; hear me roar! I can work or stay home, or both! I can kick butt in the office, be available whenever needed, move up in my field and still coach my kids’ soccer team. I can stay home, teach my kids their ABC’s, take them on educational outings every day, volunteer for the preschool and the moms club and still keep an immaculate house and cook organic meals every night! I mean, I can’t actually do all these things and I know because I’ve tried. Maybe you’re doing all the things too, but I’m guessing that you are feeling overwhelmed and down right scattered.
My list of things I’d like to do as a mom include, but are not limited to:, keep a clean and organized house, volunteer at my kids’ school and at my church, maintain a vegetable garden, clip coupons, meal plan, cook from scratch every night, re-do my entire house to like Joanna Gaines’ farmhouse, work part time while my kids are in school and after they go to bed, build my resume and client list, exercise regularly, make time for myself to relax, read the 18 parenting books on my night stand, spend one on one time with each of my four children, drive each one to their different activities, help them with their homework, but not too much so they can learn to be independent and the list goes on and on.
Thing is, I can do all these, but if I’m honest with myself, I’m not doing any of them well.
There’s been more than a few nights when my kids are eating cereal for dinner because I’m preparing to teach a class to other people’s children. There’s been a lot of Saturdays that I’ve had to ignore my kids’ countless requests for attention because I was clipping coupons, planning a week’s worth of meals cooked from scratch, shopping for groceries for said healthy meals and prepping food all day. There’s been tons of evenings when I’ve snapped at my kids because they weren’t tying their shoes fast enough to get to one of their many after school activities. There have been late nights when I’ve stayed up way past my bedtime to meet a work deadline because the daytime hours were spent trying to get my house into a state of complete order and cleanliness.
This is not the mom I want to be anymore. The one who does everything, but does it all hurriedly and not very well. The kind of mom with a to-do list an arm long and never gets to cross all the items off. The kind of mom who feels completely overwhelmed with unrealistic and unattainable expectations put upon herself.
I know I can do all the things. But I just don’t want to anymore. So I’m not gonna.
I’m going to take my extremely long list of things I “should” be doing as a mom and I’m going to start crossing stuff off. Like a lot of stuff. I’m going to take that bar that I’ve set ridiculously high and I’m going to lower it…by a lot.
Because yes, I am a mom and moms are awesome and we can do all the things. But the best thing I can do right now is choose to do less.
Who’s with me?
I see you Yelly Mom. You gave your two year old a little bag of goldfish because you thought that would stop her from reaching out of the cart to knock stuff off the shelves and it did, but not for long. The calm only lasted until she spilled her goldfish, leaving you with a big crumbly mess and an inconsolable toddler who doesn’t want another bag of goldfish, she wanted that bag of goldfish.
Your five year old, who is exhausted from a long morning at kindergarten, has finally stopped asking you if you can buy him every damn toy he sees and has taken to running ahead, oh wait, now he’s lagging behind, aaaaaand now he’s running off again.
Your kids are miserable and whining and at the end of their rope and you know how they feel. And here comes the frustration out of your mouth-the yelling. In an attempt to control this MESS of a situation, in an attempt to end this shopping disaster as soon as possible, you start yelling at your kids.
There are people in this store who are judging you, some are giving you dirty looks and maybe, the bolder ones, unsolicited advice on how to properly parent your kids. I know what they see. They see you in this one moment, where you have lost your patience and are snapping at your kids.
They didn’t see you in all those moments before. So many moments-from the time you unstrapped your kids from their car seats, got them safely through the parking lot, and found a cart with two seats so they wouldn’t fight over who gets to sit in the cart. They didn’t see all the moments you gently pulled your two year old’s arm away from the packs of diapers that she desperately wants to throw on the floor or all the times you patiently and politely asked your son to stay with you.
I saw you in those moments Yelly Mom, hell, I’ve been you in those moments! I know that you regret yelling at your kids and I know that you are at the end of your rope today. This isn’t your best parenting moment and it is on display in a store full of judging eyes. Please know that I am not judging you, in fact I am praying for you. When I see you in the store, frazzled and stressed, know that I am praying-asking God to fill you with his peace and to give you his patience. I don’t know if it’s going to work and miraculously fix this moment for you or if you need to throw today out and start again fresh tomorrow. But please know that I see you in all your moments, and I’m praying for you.